GET TO KNOW: FUCHSIA CARTER

I’ve always loved to perform. When I was between the ages of 16–18, I belonged to a drama school. At the time, I was very overweight, and as a result of this, I was incredibly shy. I started life modelling (posing nude for artists while they draw you) to try and overcome my insecurities and build my confidence levels.

To begin with I modelled fully clothed, and although I wasn’t yet baring all, I found it really helped me to accept my body. When I became disabled at 26 years of age, I lost myself completely and became trapped not only in the chair, but also inside my own head. I began to hate my body, and all that it represented. I was always a sensual being who loved sex and exploring my body. I was not ashamed to pleasure myself and thought I looked amazing, but then suddenly that all stopped. I would change in the dark and never in front of people, I would close my eyes when my carers washed or showered me. I couldn’t bear to acknowledge my physical state. My loss of myself.

In 2015, after losing a significant amount of weight, I had a bad fall which kept me in hospital over Christmas. During this period I thought long and hard about my life, and the role I had to play in this world. I felt like a drain on society, I felt like it wasn’t fair for people to have to look after me, just because of this one incident that had changed my life forever!

But then it dawned on me; I had to get out of the negative headspace I was in, and start to view and use my body positively. A friend of mine told me I looked beautiful and that I should go back to life modelling. I laughed at her when she said it, but after thinking about it long and hard, I decided she was right. I would also love to add that the amazing nurses at Eastbourne District Hospital kept telling me to keep going, to fight, that I meant something. One nurse had a stern word with me and then hugged me. I needed it. I needed that human connection.

When I got out of hospital I started to exercise my legs in bed, naked. I watched all my muscles working, and felt really proud that I had not given up. I started to appreciate my naked body; I began to like my curves and “wobbly” bits. I’m not perfect but damn, I’ve been through hell and survived! My body is definitely stronger because of it. I need to work some more on certain parts of my body. I am still single so I am not sure if all of me works despite me trying myself. But I am sure there is the right woman out there for me and together we can explore.

2 years on, I am slowly reentering the world of life-modelling and commercial modelling. I am signed to Zebedee management. It isn’t easy, but I’m giving it a good go — I won’t let it defeat me! The first time I took my clothes off in front of all of those strangers I wasn’t nervous at all! I felt euphoric and liberated. I was beaming inside. The fact that a wheelchair user was naked, and being drawn by so many people felt empowering. I felt free for the first time in my life.

However, I have lost out on many modelling jobs because of my disability. Once employers find out the chair is a permanent thing and not a prop, it changes their perception of me. It is like I am not “allowed” to be naked, because I do not fit the normative mould. I blame the media for perpetuating and promoting this one-dimensional representation of the body. Also a lot of my amazing “portraits” of me naked have been removed from the internet for violation of rules, including from Twitter and Instagram, and yet the likes of Kim Kardashian and her ilk are allowed all over Twitter. I can’t help but feel that that is discrimination. I didn’t have a nipple on show. But maybe a bit of public hair. Oh the horror!!!

But I have also lost out on normal acting jobs also. Again, when they find out the wheelchair is not a prop for the audition, I get all the questions like: Are you able to act? How will you cope with long hours? I’m not sure we have wheelchair access. All that bullshit. It’s so heartbreaking. I am a trained actor and yet I can’t use my training because of the closed mind of those in casting — and yet they are willing to put an able-bodied person in a wheelchair. Something we call “cripping up” and want awards and all the adulation, as if they have done the world a favour. I will show the world that we are just as worthy.

I have also been told over the years that I am selling out the disabled community, that I should not take my clothes off. I was shocked, but I thought about it. These people have been told for years that they are ugly, not wanted, not allowed to be sensual and naked. And here I am flaunting my sensuality and nakedness. That must make them feel worse. My whole point is that I want to show we are all bloody amazing. In reality, we are all different, and that is what makes us beautiful.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US IS BEAUTIFUL!

Words by Fuchsia Fuchsia insta is @fuchsiaaurelius

A big thanks for this really creative and inspiring piece from Fuchsia

HG xx

Photos by Chris Dee

“I felt like it wasn't fair for people to have to look after me, just because of this one incident that had changed my life forever!”

WHAT REALLY MATTERS: “… THE BIRDS AND MY NEEDS” PART 2

…. “Online dating as a disabled woman” continued

Part 2 – Sally’s Experience

Why online dating, should I take the plunge?

I live in a bubble. It is a bubble that is slowly getting bigger, but it is a bubble all the same. I see the same people day in, day out. Some of them I’ve handpicked to be with me (my carers and friends), others I’ve had no choice in (my health care professionals, my family).

If, in a personality test, all of these people were the highest possible match with my own personality; I still wouldn’t want to date them. For starters, some of them are related to me, a lot are not of a gender that I am attracted to and a lot of them are paid to be with me.

Therein lies the biggest issue. I want to find someone who wants to be with me because they choose to be. Not because it’s their job, not because they are obligated to because they gave birth to me, but because they love me for me.

I want to wake up in Resus after a seizure or in ICU after intubation, to a face that desires to be by my side regardless of everything else going on in their world.

But how will I ever meet that person if I continue to live in that bubble? The bubble that is largely defined by my inability to leave my house, to go to social events, bars and parties or ‘hang out’ with a social group.

I am a young woman, full time wheelchair user who is chronically and severely ill. I have 24/7 care. That means I have a carer with me at all times. That’s not sexy! How can I anticipate private, intimate moments with my someone special if I’ve always got an entourage? How can I have encounters in romantic locations if I can’t get to them?

But these hurdles don’t affect my desire to find a partner. And if I’m not able to go ‘out’ to find them, I’ll have to get them to come to me. As has been the way for me for a long time, the internet has been my way of bringing things into my bubble from the outside world: My groceries, the clothing, and friends (albeit in virtual spaces). Perhaps finding a partner can be the same?
So that’s what I set out to do.

The ‘perfect’ profile

I had some work ahead of me; I had to decide on an app to use and write my profile. I tried a number of different apps but I specifically chose ones that weren’t solely based on looks followed by swiping left or right. I wanted to know more about each person, even if it was only the superficial and potentially fake facade that they had chosen to present. Similarly, I wanted to meet people based on who I was, on my characteristics other than simply looks, as do many young (disabled and non-disabled) women; “okcupid encourages people to actually get to provide more info about themselves etc.”  says leg-amputee Belle.

I’m sure writing a profile is difficult for everyone, you’re basically trying to sell yourself as a great product, but it’s particularly hard when you have a serious disability. I set about writing a profile that really reflected who I am as a person.

The things that make me tick, the things that I care about and what I enjoy about my life. Basically, I wanted to clearly convey ME, but how much of who I am is that I’m a disabled woman?

Belle comments:

“On tinder I didn’t have my disability in my bio or showing in photos. At the time, I found it weird to put my disability in my bio or something because I didn’t see that as an important part of me?.’ She goes on to say ‘however, as a result I never met up with anyone from tinder because I’d start talking to someone and then realise ‘I kind of like this guy/girl’, but what if I tell them I’ve got one leg?’

I decided that actively drawing attention to my health problems wasn’t the way to attract people – who would choose a partner having a disability as a priority? Plus, I definitely didn’t want to attract fetishists! I got to the part where I had to choose photos for the profile. Obviously, everyone aims to present their best side so I wasn’t going to post any pics in intensive care, but what should I post? I am someone who can look quite healthy when feeling good and sat on an ordinary chair, but was that an accurate representation? I decided to go for a mix of photos in my wheelchair and sat down elsewhere.

Mainly, I thought that portrait shots were the way to go. I had never questioned myself so much. Was I as honest a person as I thought or was I entering into some kind of deception by not labelling my photos, ‘Caution: disabled woman!?’ This begs the question; how much of my identity is private and how much is public? Because I’m disabled is the public somehow more entitled to know more about me and in so doing does my identity become publicly owned?

Another young woman called Danielle who is a wheelchair user also struggled with which photos to use in her profile and got as far as arranging dates but then cancelling them just beforehand as she explains;

“I put a photo up of the top half of me, never of me in my wheelchair as I was embarrassed. I chatted to quite a few men but when it came to meeting up I used to cancel at the last minute as I got scared of the reaction I would get.?”

Felicity adds;

“There is the hope that if they got to know me they would look past the wheelchair [so] I tended to only use photos which were more headshots.”

I hit the button and my profile was live. The messages started pouring in and I cavalierly screened the messages from people who didn’t fit my criteria. This, in itself, seemed cruel, rejecting people without ever talking to them. I asked myself why I found this painful and perhaps it was because I knew that I would be being rejected similarly, but with me there was another reason for rejection, my disability. However, I reasoned that in everyday life we make snap decisions as to who we interact with and we often don’t even have as much information as an internet profile provides.

Interestingly, I never had a visibly disabled guy message me so I can’t reflect on my own response to that. That would have provided an interesting psychological insight. Perhaps some of them had hidden disabilities but didn’t feel the need to reveal that? Or perhaps it’s because they too are hidden away from public site, just like me at home or in hospital. But they could have been on the internet, after all – I was. Maybe after the feeling of being on the fringes of physical society and out of sight for so long, they too felt self-conscious of making their virtual presence known.

I also screened out those people who seemed only interested in one thing (sex); I was looking for a long term partner after all. But I started to get suspicious – no one seemed to mention my health or question my wheelchair. I considered that perhaps they were all extraordinary gentlemen-like types, waiting for a bit of back and forth banter before coming out with it, and, some did. However, on the whole I wasn’t questioned and I soon started to feel deceitful. I asked myself why? Should the state of my body functioning be public knowledge? Would I expect someone else to immediately tell me about their bowel habits? Does my visible-disability entitle others to probe?

Claire describes the same concern about ensuring her matches were aware of her disability;

“The couple of guys I seriously dated never made reference to my disability in the messages. In fact, I had to check before meeting them that they actually knew. Both had the same response that of course they knew but it wasn?t relevant to any of our discussions. Having a photo of myself in my chair did work exactly as I hoped.”

As I was chatting to guys, I began to casually ask if they had spotted my wheelchair.

Once that I had been pointed out, I felt duty-bound to mention my illness. Once again I asked myself why? Am I public property because my body is different from the norm? Previously, when I wasn’t in a wheelchair but still severely unwell, was my body owned less by the general public? I know for certain that I felt less pressure to explain myself immediately as a non- wheelchair user. But how much should I reveal? And why did I have an uncomfortable feeling of stripping myself bare to strangers on the internet when I started to tell them about my health?

Perhaps because, in the real world, I wasn’t used to having to describe my disability in detail. It is a part of me, but in social interactions it doesn’t define me. In my mind, there are far more defining factors. And for a partner, me having a disability should be incidental. Yet at the same time, I know that it?s far more than that for most people. After all, as Scope cites from a 2014 study, 67% of people feel uncomfortable talking to a disabled person – did I expect it to be easier when it came to love and the internet? Both in the virtual world of internet dating and the physical world (if I am able to get out into it) my disability does, to some degree, determine who approaches me and who will initiative interaction. And I’m fully aware that it affects my ‘status’ as a romantic partner.

I know that it affects how I live my life, how I do everything; from preparing meals to socialising. So I think I believed that I owed it to these guys to make them aware of this ‘thing’ in my life even in the very preliminary stages, despite the fact that I felt like I was stripping myself naked by doing so. I think the ‘thing’ (my disability) was something that I felt the need to apologise for and ultimately I believed was a large negative about myself that I had to make up for somehow.

As Esmeralda, a female wheelchair user, articulates,

“Some [people] still have the perception that a disabled person isn’t independent, can’t have sex and do all the things that so called “able bodied” people do, hence, I think they are ashamed. In a way, society judges the person dating a disabled person by asking or thinking if s/he can’t find a better partner than the disabled one?”

To be truthful, this insight taps into my own insecurity about having an inferior status in a romantic setting.
There must have been some guys who were put off by the wheelchair and my mention of illness, but in the world of internet dating, people come and go, accept and reject in the tap of a screen so I wasn’t really aware of this. What became a lot harder for me to deal with was the investment, both energy wise and emotionally, that I put into messaging interested guys (people who had acknowledged the wheelchair and mention of ill-health and still wanted to chat). It’s an investment for all internet daters; you spend your spare time chatting (sometimes at length) to strangers who you might end up on a date with or you may not. But for me, it was more than that.

I took time to describe my health issues to non-medically trained strangers, albeit trying to do so briefly and with levity. The disappointment came when they would cease chatting to me after that. I felt like ?my information? was out there in the ether and after I had exposed myself there was no re-concealing that. I?m aware that other women have taken a slower, less up-front approach with great results;

“I found a guy called Keegan who wrote a funny thing on his profile which made me giggle. So I started talking to him for quite a while. I knew he was a nice guy & so I slowly started telling him about my condition. 6 months later we finally met. I think he was taken aback but he didn’t really say much. He just helped me if I needed to move etc. 15 years later we are still together.” says Danielle.

I secured quite a few dates, which in some ways really buoyed me. Claire writes;

“I ended up going on a lot of dates. I was the queen of the first date and rarely managed to secure a second. However, I do view it as a positive experience. I never thought I’d be the type of person to go on loads of dates, I never thought I’d be desirable or attractive enough. Being able to log into an app and get a date really boosted my self-confidence.”

It seems that for some of us securing dates seems less daunting and more possible over the internet.

However, the actual dates came with their own set of problems. It wasn’t too hard arranging for the date to be at my house and I wasn’t worried about safety because I would have my live-in carer present. But that was the issue, she would be present. How on earth would I negotiate a romantic evening, hopefully with flirtation aplenty, with an observer? And what would I tell my date? In the end, I played it by ear. A date would turn up at my door and my carer would answer. I would introduce her by her name and she would get drinks and serve dinner. As the date progressed, I would then divulge that she cared for me and lived with me. I think I let the date conclude whether she was just an amazingly caring housemate or paid health care professional. I had fun and enjoyed the challenge of meeting new people but I didn’t have a sizzling connection with any of them.

The results

I had a string of dates followed by a fairly long term relationship that eventually ended. So after a while, I jumped back on the internet dating horse. But, I decided to try a different approach. I’m a Christian and I thought perhaps using a Christian dating app might not only help me find someone who had the same values in life but perhaps may yield a more understanding man, or at least someone who may be able to cope with my ill health better.

Yet another hurdle lay ahead, I found myself being asked extremely personal, in depth questions about my health and state of my body. For example, I would be openly asked whether I could have kids, if my conditions were genetic etc. I realised that although these men weren’t looking for a quick hook up, they were looking for so-called ‘perfect’ wives and mothers. ‘I want a woman who will give me a rugger, bugger of a son’ one said. It seems that my suitability as a match was entirely defined by my reproductive potential. And considering my body didn’t reflect that of an ‘able’ woman, I didn’t qualify.

Once again, I was back in the same situation of asking myself, how much should I reveal to strangers? Are my reproductive faculties really the fodder for good internet dating banter, let alone, why did I feel so enraged about discussing them?
I chatted to a fun, articulate doctor for quite a while. He was very keen but then he asked about my exact diagnoses and after researching my conditions he decided he couldn’t take on that much, it would be too much to live with. The feeling of being rebuffed not because of anything I could control; my personality, my ability to undertake witty conversation, my appearance (albeit controlled to some degree), but because of my health conditions (that were the bane of MY life anyway and that I didn’t want myself) hurt all the more.

I quickly learned to get my story of illness out there fast, to post photos of myself obviously in a wheelchair in order to immediately sort the wheat from the chaff, just like Belle who adds,

“I [later] decided that if I put my disability in my bio and showed photos, I then wouldn’t have to worry about that [people being put off] and people would only message me if they were still interested.”

So if the potential dates could see past my wheelchair photos and still wanted to get to know me, then I would invest time into getting to know them virtually by long conversations and flirting online.

Not until I was sure that I had a real connection with someone did I reveal that I had high care needs, I have an assistance dog with me at all times, and, if we met, they would have to come to my house. Once they realised this, and if they were still willing, then I would arrange to meet them.

I met people who accepted my ‘status’ as a disabled person. But I realised that I compromised on my connection with them or allowed certain unhealthy behaviours from them (such as making jokes akin to everyone in the room who wants take-away stand up… oh wait…Sally can’t, guess we will be having curry anyway!) because they had been ‘kind enough’ to put up with my baggage.

Alice recalls;

“One date turned out to be a man. Not transgender or cross dresser. A man in a suit. When I told him I was gay and I thought I had been talking to a woman all these weeks he laughed and said I needed a good Christian man to take care of me. I felt so violated. I went to the toilet and caught the waiter on the way and explained.”

This story clearly highlights behaviours from potential romantic partners that wouldn’t necessarily occur in a non-disabled setting. Did this occur because she was disabled and somehow more likely to accept normally unacceptable behaviours or is this normal internet dating? Here, Alice rejects this behaviour and actively feels violated by it. But my experiences served to accentuate a feeling of otherness or inferiority.

Was it all worth it?

I persisted, as did others;

Claire jokes that…

“After multiple years of writing interesting and slightly quirky messages and going on date after date, I met my current boyfriend through online dating and we’re the happiest we’ve ever been, so for that alone, it was worth it.”

I finally knew I had met someone who I wanted to be with long term, when I realised he accepted me for me and openly discussed his ‘baggage’ with me too. He was willing to be vulnerable about his life and past. This gave me the confidence to be open about mine.
The deal was sealed when I asked him how he felt about me being in a wheelchair and unwell. He replied that he didn’t really notice the chair or carers, he just saw me.
When he proposed I was obviously over the moon- I was in love. However, a relative took him to one side and gave him a full interrogation about whether he understood the implications of being with me for life. What he might miss out on, what he would have to give up to live with me etc. This was done with the best of intentions but clearly was distressing to me. However, my fianc’ came out of the ‘interview’ both a little inebriated (to deal with the interrogation) and still dead set on marriage. I couldn’t have asked for a better partner. Thank you internet dating.

So what have we learned?

We started this journey into self-discovery and the experiences of others but honestly we’re none the wiser! Everyone is different and everyone has different experiences, we have a lot in common, we’re both young disabled women who work on the same projects and are friends but our experiences couldn’t have been more different.

It is important to realise this is true of ALL women. We can’t say that online dating is yet another inaccessible world to disabled women because society tends to think all disabled people are asexual as many disabled women have had positive experiences. Hopefully we’ve demonstrated that disabled women are as sexually agentic as any other category of woman and their experiences should be valued.

It’s also hard to say whether it makes dating more accessible by providing a platform that everyone can access from home or wherever you are most comfortable as, for others, the online dating world has been another hostile environment.

So we guess what we’re saying is it’s the luck of the swipe!!!!

Follow Sally on twitter

Emma’s blog is www.emmavogelmann.wordpress.com/

A big thanks to Emma and Sally for being honest and open and sharing their experience with us … one word we would like to say is ….?

“RESPECT” …

show some!!

Big Love HG xx

WHAT REALLY MATTERS: “I’M NOT HERE TO TEACH YOU ABOUT THE BIRDS AND MY NEEDS”

“I’M NOT HERE TO TEACH YOU ABOUT THE BIRDS AND MY NEEDS”

Emma and Sally give their experiences in “Online dating as a disabled woman…..”

Words by Emma and Sally

As two young, disabled women who have both tackled the battleground of internet dating with varying results, we, Emma and Sally, want to dig a little deeper into the experiences of other women with disabilities and see how they fared. We interviewed 6 women with various disabilities and asked them about their experiences. Would they champion the world of the internet for romantic trysts and life-long love or is it another place where disabled women are met with hostility and presumption?

 

Part 1 – Emma’s Experience

Why online dating, should we take the plunge?

Growing up I assumed I would meet my future partner at university, most of my family did so naturally I thought I?d fall in love during Fresher?s Week. You can imagine my surprise when I graduated with no ?ring on it?! Many people would have turned to online dating if they were looking for someone but this idea never felt like an option to me.

From my, then, outsider?s perspective, online dating was quite superficial which is a pretty off-putting when you have a visible disability that you feel self-conscious. My disability is very obvious and I?ve never thought someone would be able to look past it without getting to know me ? so why would I consider online dating? This belief was reaffirmed when we spoke to Alice a gay wheelchair user. On one particular date, she explains that her date..

?She saw my chair, she shook her head and told me I could have come without it!! I left her the second after she said that. But all of them [online matches], bar one, said that the wheelchair was a deal breaker for them. Like I could pick and choose to be in a wheelchair [or not] just to please them. I was shocked. I also got a lot of rude and disturbing messages telling me I should not be on dating sites.?

As I got to know more fabulous disabled women, I found out some of them met their partners through online dating so I started to think I could be wrong.?Claire, a young, disabled woman argues that it was a…

?Great way to tip my toe into the dating pool?.

For someone who struggles to go out because of carer hours and lack of accessibility it seems like online dating could be the answer to how to meet someone.

The ?perfect? profile

After doing interviews on other disabled women?s experiences of online dating I began to understand that for some women these apps were great and a way to meet people from home or wherever you might be.

I downloaded a few apps and filled out my profile honestly (though I might have left out I can do a one woman show of Lord of the Rings!). I figured it may take a while to get matched and so I kept my profile up and messaged the people I thought seemed nice.

If I was going to do this I didn?t want to wait around for someone to message me – I?m way too impatient for that! I took breaks from the apps and deleted them every so often when the feeling of how superficial this process is crept up on me. I knew this was how things are often done nowadays but if I was hoping no one would be judging me purely on my looks then why was I doing just that? I looked at everyone?s profiles of course but people don?t exactly write their memoirs on there so it can be difficult to find out what they are really like.

Overcoming the ?jerks? and disabled people being asexual

I also knew it was only a matter of time before I encountered my first jerk. The issue (and myth) of disabled women not being able to have sex came up in nearly every interview I did.
Belle, who has her full left leg amputated and uses crutches, states,

?I’d get the weird messages from people asking things like ‘can you have sex?’ or ‘one leg? Oh I bet that’s easy access etc.’

We all know that some people only use online dating to find a quick hook up but it astonished me that these women were being asked such a personal question so quickly – until it happened to me.

A guy who swiped right on me said in his opening message he ?considered himself a very sexual person…? and I immediately knew what he was trying to say. Because I had done the interviews and felt the sadness and anger of those women I must admit I came down pretty hard on this guy. I said how dare he ask me this and how could he swipe right and think it is ok to ask something so personal. I then blocked him so I don?t know what his answer would have been but honestly I didn?t care. I was so sad and angry that this is a way disabled people are seen by society. Last time I checked, being asexual didn?t equal disability.

??If you put in your profile that you are disabled you seem to get very, very few responses, generally from older men. If you leave it out and then tell them when you get chatting, the only question is ?can you have sex?? And then they inevitably say that…”they can?t be with a wheelchair user etc.?

says Felicity, a woman who has tried internet dating both when she was younger and again more recently.
She further adds why she thinks this obsession with the ability to have sex and then the negative prospects of being with a wheelchair user are prevalent on online dating sites;

?I think a lot of people of those sites actually only want a quick hook-up, which again if they assume you can?t have sex, is a barrier straight away. People who do want to settle can?t imagine doing so with a wheelchair user as there aren?t many people in the media who are disabled, successful, have a family etc.?.

Was it all worth it?

It isn?t because of one jerky guy that I decided online dating wasn?t for me. I couldn?t get my head around the superficial nature of it and all the unwritten rules of writing a message. A friend of mine told me my opening message should resemble a cover letter for a job! .. ha .. ?It was good advice to use the information in their profile to start a conversation but doing this took a lot of time and didn?t yield much better results than the ?hey how are you??
Felicity also struggled with the absence of successful matches, she asserts,

?People seem to be scared of disability, they assume you are very dependant and needy or can?t have sex and do ?normal? things.?

After giving it a lot of thought I can see the positives of online dating – particularly when you are disabled and find it hard to go out and meet people. For me I struggle with the idea of judging and being judged primarily on looks.
Appearance is of course a large factor for finding someone attractive…

but so is kindness and a sense of humour and a hundred other things that you can?t find out on a profile. xx

Part 2 in the next post ……

Images from Emma’s instagram

GET TO KNOW: Angelina Boulicault’s Story

Here’s Angelina little personal snippet of her life as an amputee…

“When people notice my artificial leg they often come right out and ask, ‘What happened to you?’

I often come up with some crazy, exciting story like shark attack while surfing, or fought off a bear on a hike, but the truth is that many amputees have boring stories of unfortunate circumstances.

My cause of amputation was congenital. Which just means, I was born with a birth-defect. I hate this terminology, and would like to speak to whoever came up with it. Defect? Am I some reject toy in the discount aisle at Target? Basically, yes, I was ha ha.

I was born in a small town in Russia with Clubfoot and Fibular Hemimelia.?Basically, my shin wasn’t growing, and my foot was extremely internally rotated. My parents were told I’d never walk, and was going to die. They decided to give me up for adoption.?I spent several years in an orphanage until my lovely American parents found me. They adopted me and brought me here to the U.S. There were hospitals fighting over who would get to amputate my leg because Clubfoot is often treated immediately after birth. I was almost 5 years old, and still had my foot completely in-tact. We chose Shriner’s Hospital because they would support me beyond the surgery, and fit me with prostheses up until I turned 18! They removed the deformed foot, and walla! I became an amputee in 1996!”

“What I have achieved since ’96,?I hear you say, wow that’s a big question! I find even small steps big achievements!
I became a part of a family, moved to a new country, and became an amputee all in the year of ’96! I grew up trying every sport offered to girls my age because my parents wanted me to understand that disabled did not mean immobile. They wanted me to feel like I could do anything I put my mind to. I was a ballerina for 9 years! I played on my high school basketball team, and was captain of the swim team. I have completed 3 Triathlon sprints. I have hiked through rain forest,?desert, and mountains! I have learned how to water ski & snow ski. I can drive a car without hand controls. I have given public speeches about life as an amputee, and been able to speak to thousands through my organization Adaptive Amputees!

“Why I started the website Adaptive Amputees? …? Middle school is not easy for a kid with a limp. I was also about half the size of my classmates. This made me an easy target for bullying. I played all sorts of sports, and was very active. However, I noticed that none of the other kids at school had a fake leg like me. They were all much faster than me on the field, and way more graceful in ballet class. I would often get frustrated that none of my friends were like me. In high school, I was in a leadership program that required a big project that would make a difference. It was pretty open-ended, but I knew exactly what I wanted to do. A lot of the students were pairing up to go on volunteer projects and whatnot. I decided to start an organization to promote amputee awareness. After experiencing years of bullying for being different, and I wanted to be the voice for amputees in my community. I was able to talk to lots of students around St. Louis and share my story. I had a little girl come up to me at the end of one of my talks, and tell me that she finally felt proud to be adopted. She had never met anyone else that was adopted and felt very alone. I hope that changing just one child?s perspective can start to change many. “

Thanks so much to Angelina for sharing her story with us …?

Big love xx

Here are all of her social media links go check out her website and follow her !!
Visit Adaptive Amputee’s Website: www.adaptiveamputees.com
Find Adaptive Amputees on Facebook: www.facebook.com/AdaptiveAmputees
Follow Adaptive Amputees on Twitter: www.twitter.com/AdaptiveAmputee
Follow Adaptive Amputees on Instagram: www.instagram.com/adaptiveamputees

WHAT REALLY MATTERS: GABI MORRIS’S STORY

Here’s Gabi’s honest and powerful story of her battle with anorexia, written in her own words …. a big thanks to her for being so strong and honest to share it with us, so we can share with you … xx

It was six years. Six years of inpatients and outpatients, the first admission and the slippery sliding of a wheelchair down the narrow corridors of hell. Six years of mayhem, of watered down soup bowls replaced with piled plates, trembling cutlery and spoonfuls of trepidation, tears blending with fatty tides of milk, spicy havoc, oil greasing my mind and the slippy ground I paced upon, torrential tantrums and white washed walls painted with bloody tomato sauce. The meticulous meal plans and mantra of eat, rest, repeat, the manipulative mayhem, crumb stuffed bras, defiance and devious deceit in the chocolate squares up sneaking sleeves.

Six years dominated by petty numbers, scrutinising tea bag boxes and the back of toothpaste tubes, four times on the scales and four times off, constantly calculating calorie after calorie after calamatious calorie, living by different equations and the same old ridiculed routine, just checking, double checking, figuring figures, rationing macronutrients, quantifying each mouthful and ripping the crust from a slice of bread that was nought point three grams overweight in my angst of becoming that too. The sin of sitting, one hundred star jumps and fifty seven more just to be sure, running through the streets like a maniac into the dead of the autumn nights, falling through fall, snowdrifts of confusion throughout winter and alopecia like dead leaves dropping in spring.

Between the breathlessness

Constantly working out, working out the footsteps traipsed and quantifying every movement, dizzying sit ups, ticking timers and endless exercise regimes. The looking glasses and distorted perceptions, a dependency on an airy nothingness, standing at each and every possible angle to get a glimpse of a hollow void of daylight between my thighs. All this time with the same sounds- a keyboard ribcage with no tune, creaking floorboards at 6am, crunching of dry crackers and the clicking of brittle bones, the beep beep beep of hospital wards and the groan of the blood pressure cuff, the drumming beat in between the breathlessness, jingling pockets coined full of fake weight and the tap tap tapping of the walking calculator I had become.

It was six years caught between who I was and who I wanted to be, dismantling my body and erasing it into a blank canvas of sickly paper skin, tinged with the yellow of liver failure, splattered with purple bruises, etchings of red, stained blue on the toes, tips and lips, smudged shades of grey balancing lifeless eyes. With a two word diagnosis came hunger, craving and shrinking, goosebumps like scattered stepping stones on the pathway to hypothermia. Less than ten syllables worth of time wasted on? shivering muscles and aching bottoms, chipped tea cups, ink stained ramblings, fragmented wings and fluttering heartbeats. No thank you, to haribos rolling off my tongue as swiftly as half the christmas dinner slipped from my plate that first year, bony cages, ribbed lies and fainting on the bathroom floor, walking on clouds, MyFitnessPal and loss of true friends.

And water water water, empty bottles, filled excuses, eating the egg then treading on egg shells, chew, swallow, quiver, the taste of shame, frozen and ghostly mid summer, never satisfied, Just a kilogram more to lose, numbness in escaping a realm of emotions, little ants of energy swimming in the guilt gushing through my bloodstream, scuttling skeletons and skin and bone to health and then back to skin and bone again, then tip toeing somewhere in between and just dancing on the edge of what could be, taking tiny bites of life and then ruining the taste for myself, letting old habits and persistent notions in through the wounded cracks and allowing them to spill over the surface of some beautiful memories.

I was sick of being sick

Again .. Six years of rampaging on a rock bottom- the foundation slathered with the conundrums and fears of the recovery that I rambled through in my relentlessness to remain in the malady I believed to be a melody. Cautiously clambering up and settling for the borderline in between. Months spent merely traipsing the alleyways of an unshifting mindset before beginning to dig my own grave again and again and again… Wandering a walkway of wretched routine every single day, beginning each morning with tip toes to the mirror to glare at this control freak that was so tangled in the strings of delusion and messy chaos, a girl whose fire died a little more every time she blew out the candles and refused a slice of cake, a stranger with a scatterbrain who I had lived with for far too long. Someone inside of me coercing me into carrying the mountains I was supposed to be climbing.

And then after my fourth and final admission to a psychiatric setting, moulded by a mental health act materialising nine months force fed by the threat of a nasal gastric tube or the plattered plate put before me… then another six secluded from reality in the realms of residential therapy filled with faithful leaps and finding myself I realised I was sick of being sick. Well and truly. I had asked and begged for this brain of mine that was burning my body to the ground time and time again to be helped but I realised the only one who could help me was me.

Walking back into the world was petrifying. But I’ve now built a life for myself that I am continuing to burgeoun and bloom with. I’ve put in so many of the building blocks I was always bereft of and I’ve added so many more beautiful bricks to that. I’ve built up my body and brains strength and I refuse to burn the body I live in down to its bare bones again. Sweet simplicities such as walking through the pretty nightlights of Christmas festivals and running barefoot down steep hills of knee length grass, all the way to venturing into a city on my own to meet a friend who hadn?t seen me since my worst, and moshing at a music festival for the first ever time. I’m pursuing my passions. I’m writing and reading and acting and dancing and learning and growing and metamorphosing more and more with every magical moment that makes me laugh and smile. I’m living independently and after having every meal that met my mouth wheeled to me on a hospital trolley and every forkful of food forced into me through the threat of a tube I am now cooking, cleaning, budgeting, venturing to new places and living some of the ‘norm’ aspects that I believed were so out of the ordinary from me due to the institutionalisation ingrained in me. I started school after fifteen months out of education and after achieving my A grade GCSEs in the random whereabouts of whatever locale would let me sit my examinations in their rooms. I have some amazing friends who I can laugh cheek achingly and stomach splittingly with, and my family forgives me for the pain I put them through. They’re learning to trust me after all of anorexia’s chaotic corruption to their world as well as my own. I’ve raised awareness for mental health in magazines and am momentarily making projects to pursue from this. I wear colour and don’t cover myself in baggy black clothing anymore. I sing in the shower rather than body shame, and I can cry without wanting to commit suicide at whatever sadness sweats from my eyes.

Us humans as we count on the world

Because do you know what I realised? In paving the pathway to and pursuing my passions, in not letting another second slip through frozen fingertips. It’s that we live on a blue planet that circles around a ball of fire next to a moon that moves the sea- and if that, along with some of the incredible experiences I’ve now had, isn’t proof of the extraordinary facets the world has to offer then I don’t know what is. What I weigh out now when times get turbulent is how much I’ve got to lose if I lose weight. And it outweighs it by so much more than my body mass.

I once reached that size zero, that number, that body that I strived for so much. And it gave me exactly what it is. Nothing. You can’t kill the part of yourself that you can’t standwithout becoming that killer thing, because it’s in you and you’re ultimately erasing yourself. I’ve realised that if I rubbed all my flaws away there would be nothing left and I feel that is synonymous for every striving perfectionist and every human being hating on who they are. I sacrificed every piece of the puzzle I am for a peace of mind I never achieved. I fed it all my elements and it indulged in them and starved me into nothing. That?s what me at size 0 was? Nothing. And now that I amount to something I’m trying my damndest to make use of it. The time came to stop merely floating by and just existing, to query whether I was living or just breathing, and do one of the rarest things known to us humans as we count on the world to keep dishing out endless moments. It was time to let myself live. It was time to live.

And one final thing. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘I have anorexia, but it doesn’t have me.’?

I read it a long long time ago and thought I would never be able to even utter that line in my mind let alone from my very own lips. But I can now. This is now where I’m at. I’m healing every single day and I have a future worth the feud with food, the backbone I held up against my own brain and the fight with my own figure and framework.

“I have anorexia. And it does not have me.”

 

Thanks again to Gabi, it’s really important to talk about our issues and so we can help one another … always remember you are great as you are and there are people out there that love you … 

Big Love HG xxxxx

Follow Gabi’s story on her Instagram @verilygabi

GET TO KNOW : CHIARA SOMA

We meet up with Italian writer and blogger “Chiara Soma” on her visit to London.

 

LOVELY NAME …DO YOU KNOW THE MEANING OF IT?
Oh Thank you! I don?t know the exact origin of it. But I remember that when I was born, my father chose this name, and when the other people asked him why, he always said: ?Si chiama Chiara, perch? la chiarezza ? la cosa pi? bella del mondo.? The correct English translation I guess it?s – more or less – ?Her name is Chiara, because clarity and honestly are the most important quality of the word.?

SO HOW HAS YOUR DAY BEEN?
It was a good day, thanks! I woke up early and then I went out for a walk. It was a beautiful sunny Sunday here in Arco, the small Italian town where I live.

HOW DOES WRITING MAKE YOU FEEL ?AND WHERE CAN IT ?TAKE YOU?
Writing makes me feel good, because it?s a way to reorder my mind and relieve stress. I haven?t any idea where this can take me in the real life and if I?m going to write a new blog or not, but for certain it can bring my mind far far away.

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY YOUR PHILOSOPHY FOR LIFE IS?
I don?t have one in particular…more in general, I believe in ?The second chance? and in the different point of view. I just finished a beautiful and very interesting book: ?The Choice: Embrace the Possible? written by Dr. Edith Eva Eger, an eminent psychologist and a Holocaust survivor. She said: ?We don?t know where we?re going, we don?t know what?s going to happen, but no one can take away from you what you put in your own mind.? This is my personal philosophy, at the moment.

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO TRAVEL IN THE WORLD?
I had a serious car accident 3 years ago. In that period, 15 days before ?The trouble?, I was going to leave for Mexico. Well, from that moment I went to the hospital and stayed there for 6 months, so I couldn?t leave anymore. I don?t know when, but soon or later, I will go to Mexico!

IS ITALIAN FOOD THE BEST?
I love Italian food, of course. ;) But I also like others… for example, the Indian food for me is delicious. I?m vegetarian and the Indian kitchen offers a lot of options without meat.

WHAT TEN WORDS DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Testarda – Stubborn
Casinista – Troublemaker
Simpatica – Friendly
Insolita – Unusual
Complicata – Complicated
?Mai contenta? – ?Hard to please?
Solare – A joyous person
Versatile – Well rounded
Un p? cinica – A little bit cynical
Divertente – Funny

HOW DO YOU MAKE YOURSELF FEEL POSITIVE?
Writing, of course. And then …spending my time with my dog, my friends and their little child! They?re like a second family for me.

WHAT?S ON YOUR SPOTIFY AT THE MOMENT?
I haven?t a Spotify list at the moment, but in this period I listen to a lot of Irish music! I went to a festival last weekend and here I found a new band, their name is ?The Rumpled?. They?re Italian but they play Irish folk so well! I bought their CD and I listen to it every day.

HOW CAN WE MAKE EACH OTHER FEEL GOOD IN THIS CRAZY WORLD?
In my opinion, the secret is to slow down a bit, because there is too much stress in a simple day, we need to appreciate more the little things that this life offers.

WHAT?S YOUR FAVOURITE WORD?
Empathy. Because understand the emotion and the state of mind of each other is a gorgeous skill.

 

BIG LOVE XX

WHAT REALLY MATTERS: Rewriting the beauty rules

Rewriting the beauty rules:

?

Unachievable and illusory beauty standards have been plaguing generations of women, (and men) for a long time now. The question is, has the new role of social media helped or hindered a cause which ultimately constricts and capitalises on women?

Women who may not necessarily fit the ?traditional? standards of beauty, are now using social media as a platform to embrace their difference, and encourage others to do the same.

By putting themselves out there, they are changing a beauty dialogue that has for so long favoured a very small percentage of people. Their voices and actions are encouraging positivity and self- confidence- and their quick rise to fame shows that the world is ready and waiting for a new conversation.

Here are some of our favourite women rewriting the beauty rules:

?

Winnie Harlow

Winnie Harlow was spotted by Tyra Banks on Instagram- and picked to enter America?s Next Top Model. Having been diagnosed with skin condition vitiligo at an early age, her success and the love she?s getting indicates a welcome breakdown in what is considered beautiful.

Ashley Soto

Instagram star Ashley Soto has similarly embraced her vitiligo and now transforms it into beautiful body art. Drawing the outline of a world map, or creating images akin to Van Gogh?s ?Starry Night?; both of these women are using their look and skills, to take the world by storm and encourage others to not let anything hold them back.

Diandra Forrest

Diandra Forrest was the first female albino model to be signed by a major agency. By having representatives such as Diandra in the modelling industry, the unique beauty of albinism is given the positive affirmation and awareness. She works tirelessly to mentor young people with albinism, encouraging them to see their albinism as a beautiful and unique thing.

Whitney Develle

Whitney Develle, a Brisbane tattoo artist offered to help a friend cover self-harm scars with a free tattoo. Her act of kindness had such a positive effect, she took to social media and offered to cover anyone?s scars for free. Her offer blew up, and she was inundated with requests from previous self-harm sufferers wanting to turn their scars into something beautiful.

Kelly Knox

You may have seen Kelly in our most recent body and soul issue. She is the UK?s leading disabled fashion model; being born with only one hand did not stop her achieving her dreams and fighting for diversity and broader representation within the fashion industry. Refusing to wear a prosthetic arm since the age of seven, she embraces and accepts her disability in a way that can educate and inspire so many. Check out her beautiful shots out in our issue #3!

Jilly Peppa

Jillian is a force to be reckoned with. Having the condition muscle dystrophy and having to use an electric wheelchair since the age of 12 has not stopped her breaking down the battlements of high fashion. Working as a freelance fashion blogger and editor, Jilly was already fashion forward, but it was her response to Diesel?s call on social media for ?modern day rebels, heroes, and just cool people? that landed her the Diesel campaign. YES!!

Samantha Renke

You probably recognise Samantha from her role in chocolate giant Malteser?s advert during the Brazil Paralympics. She has brittle bone condition, the light-hearted ad makes a point of normalising disability. In the ad, Samantha recounts a comic story of her running over the bride?s foot at a wedding- whilst adding she still managed to get the best man?s number. After being told at school she would never be able to do acting – she proved them wrong and that you can get what you want. Samantha will be appearing in our next issue 4… YEAh?– so keep your eyes peeled…

Thanks to all these amazing powerful woman for having a vision and strength to follow their dreams and sharing it with us on social media….?Big Love to All

#lovelife

 

Words by Roisin McCormack

images from their Instagram accounts

WHAT REALLY MATTERS : SPREAD THE LOVE

Words by Roisin McCormack

Message in a Magazine

As we’re all about putting out positive messages; this morning, donned in raincoats, armed with coffee, and with 5 copies of the latest issue in hand, we thought we’d see how far our message in a magazine could get.

Reworking the old school idea of putting a message in a bottle (you can tell we?re based by the sea), we gave our Body and Soul issue out to five young women on their way to catch their train. We encouraged them to, once finished reading, write a positive message inside the magazine and pass it on to a fellow commuter or a friend: and so the #HeyGirlJourney begins.

Fighting train journey boredom, spreading love, positivity and creativity – keep a look out for a copy of Hey Girl on your next journey. Let us know how far these messages have got, and keep the cycle going. The person who picks it up the furthest away wins a prize – so keep your eyes peeled, and your minds open, and engage with our fabulous photos and features.

#spreadthelove #HeyGirlJourney

photos by Simon Clemenger

GET TO KNOW : Bells Kirby

HERE WE MEET BELLS….

BELLS IS WORKING ON AN AMAZING PROJECT ABOUT SELF CARE IN MEN FROM 24-26yr old ….REALLY GREAT IDEA TO HELP BRING THE SEX’S TOGETHER WITH MORE UNSTANDING.

– ANY GOOD NEWS?
The sun is shining, I got my acceptance letter for my Masters, it?s not Hogwarts but it?s pretty cool!

– WHAT DO YOU DO?
I study at the University of Sussex, amongst other things. I do lots of arts and creative stuff, silly amounts of exercise, and can usually be found in a caf? readings novels.

– TELL US WHAT YOU ARE STUDYING?
I?m a student in psychology ? and no, I can?t read minds.

-?TELL US ABOUT YOUR PROJECT?
I?ve just completed a research piece on masculinity ideals and their relationship to self-care practices. Basically ?what is it about being a man that clashes with looking after oneself??

-?WHAT WAS THE INSPIRATIONFOR THIS PROJECT?
Several things really, first I notices that most self-care movements suggested things that I simply couldn?t imagine the men around me do, like taking a bath with a tiara on, scrapbook exercises, or wearing glitter. And then, whilst researching for a paper, I found statistics showing the rates of suicides for men and women, and decided I?d make it my mission to find why 78% of suicides were accounted for by men.

– WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT FEMINISM?
I remember someone explaining it to me, when I was about 10, as a fight against patriarchy, and patriarchy being a world created by men for men. And I think much of the movement does actually follow that line of thinking. And I?m just not convinced that that is entirely true, at least not anymore, not in western countries. My research points to a paradigm that serves no one, and that is maintained by everyone. I think the ?women as the victims, men as perpetuators? way of thinking is damaging everyone, and leaving very little space for anyone to take true accountability.

– HOW DO YOU DEFINE IT?
To me, feminism is a movement which fights for the systematic and subjective equality of all genders.

– ARE YOU A FEMINIST?
Definitely.

– SHOULD BOYS BE IN THE MAGAZINE?
I think it could be hard to capture what is great, what is beautiful, in femininity without including other genders too.

-?HOW DO YOU THINK BOYS CAN HELP EMPOWER AND INSPIRE GIRLS?
One of my biggest inspirations, as humans go, is a fifty-year-old carpenter who lives part time in a tipi, owns a truck and a dog, and can carve a spoon out of a nearby log in under 2 minutes. He taught me to be myself, to trust myself, to build fires and be wild, without thinking of what others might think. He saw me for me, gender aside, and empowered me to fully embrace that, simply by encouraging me and supporting me to be the version of me I really wanted to see in the world.

– HOW DO YOUR THINK GIRLS CAN HELP INSPIRE BOYS?
My research has definitely shaped the way I think about this. It has taught me to listen, really listen, to men, to put the effort in, and make them connect and share with me. And yes, sometimes it feels like pulling teeth. But I?ve been raised as a girl to know and understand my feelings and sharing that, and making that available to the men around me could make a difference to that statistic and save lives, and that?s really important to me.

– AS WE HAVE JUST FINISHED OUR ?BODY AND SOUL’ ISSUE , HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR BODY?
I feel like it?s definitely been a roller-coaster. I battled anorexia for most of my life, and it?s only been 4 years since I?ve broken free from that pattern. Exercise is really important to me for that reason. When I?m cycling or running, it?s not about what my body looks like, it?s about how it allows me to move and be in the world. I feel as though I?ve gone from constantly fighting against my body, as this outside thing, this demanding, alien thing, to working with it, being grateful for it, and even loving it!

– WHERE’S YOUR SOUL AT?
Somewhere, running in the woods?

– WHATS IT LIKE TO BE YOU?
Very energetic! Sometimes I make my own head spin, with how much I want to do and achieve everyday, and in life in general.

– HOW DO YOU STAY POSITIVE?
Yoga and meditation are both key components of my self-care. Keeping my flat nice and tidy, wearing bright colours and being in nature are all high on the list too.

– WHATS YOUR IDEA OF EQUALITY?
That?s a really hard question to answer. Respect, for everyone, for our differences, as people, not as segregated categories, I suppose.

– WHATS THE DIFFERENT BETWEEN GIRLS AND BOYS?
To me the way we?re raised and socialised. The way I?ve been given power over physical appearance, emotions and social connections whilst the men around me have been given power in what they do, the way they lead. I think what adults deem important when we grow up can fundamentally shape how we think of ourselves as adults.

– THE NEXT ISSUE IS ?SCENT AND SIGHT’ – WHATS THE LAST STRONG SCENT YOU REMEMBER FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD? WHAT DOES IT REMIND YOU OF?
The smell of tarmac burning under a 50 degrees Celsius sun, and the oils the pines give off under that heat. I don?t think it would be pleasant to anyone else, but it?s the smell of home, of my childhood.

– WHICH CELEB DO YOU THINK SMELLS THE BEST?
Whoever is in charge of Hugo Boss parfumerie, has got to smell good!

– WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 10 YEARS?
Hopefully in my own research department, making science accessible to as many people as possible, owning a dog and a cabin in the woods, upcycling furniture on the weekends and writing novels. Bit ambitious?

– 10 WORDS THAT DESCRIBE YOU?
Driven. Bookworm. Bouncy. Ginger. Sister. Outdoorsy. Energetic. Smily. Brave (I hope). Creative.

-?HOW CAN WE ALL LOVE LIFE A LITTLE BIT MORE AS A PLANET? HOW DO YOU LOVE LIFE FOR YOURSELF?
I think it was very powerful for me to realise that the way I think about the world, shapes the world. I got this revelation watching a speech called ?this is water? and it?s fundamentally altered how I think about my thinking and how much responsibility I take for it. I also like to make myself notice, appreciate and savour every little bit of happiness and kindness I witness around me.

HG XXX